Those Words given by A Parent That Helped Me when I became a First-Time Parent

"I think I was merely in survival mode for a year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

However the actual experience rapidly became "completely different" to what he pictured.

Serious health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her chief support as well as caring for their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his father, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he needed help.

The simple statement "You aren't in a good place. You must get some help. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His situation is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now better used to discussing the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, less is said about the struggles fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his challenges are linked to a wider failure to talk among men, who still internalise negative perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a sign of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to request a break - going on a short trip abroad, away from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he needed to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked stable male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" bond with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "poor decisions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he says. "They might temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Getting By as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, speak to a friend, your spouse or a counsellor what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and where possible, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is doing.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Know that requesting help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the most effective way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the death, having not spoken to him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the stability and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I said, on occasion I feel like my role is to guide and direct you on life, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."